Kiss the Boy
by MirandaTam42
Summary: Voldemort/Tom Riddle and Artemis Fowl slash crack leftover from April Fool's Day that I decided I like enough to put here. Special thanks to actual-slut-artemis-fowl on tumblr for helping me come up with this. One shot. Also has some Orion.


**Description says it all. Very cracky and silly but I thought it was worth sharing.**

Artemis has always craved power. His desire for gold and need for social dominance proved this, and Butler had thought it would end there.

Oh how wrong he was.

First it was Opal Koboi. Disturbing but he couldn't be too surprised.

Sort of like how the tooth fairy comes when you lose a tooth Captain Jack Harkness comes like clockwork after someone looses their virginity to see if they're ready for another go. The answer was yes.

Then it was Sauron. Not only was Artemis hopping between people, he picked the most fucking dangerous person Butler could think of. Still, Butler stood guard outside and waited to make sure Artemis was safe despite the awkwardness.

Correction: turns out the most fucking dangerous award goes to Voldemort, who is Artemis's most recent choice.

Butler had walked in on them snogging on the couch and groaned, "Artemis! Really?"

"Butler," Artemis parted his lips from Voldemort. "It makes perfect sense. You know I can't resist a tongue ring."

"True Artemis, but this is VOLDEMORT!"

Voldemort hissed and Artemis smiled sweetly at him. "English, he doesn't know Parseltongue yet."

"Pardon. I said good morning."

Butler sighed. "Fine, just, Artemis my job is to protect you and it's pretty hard when you have to go out and find all these ultra-powerful evil people!"

"First off, Voldemort's tongue ring, second he needs to put his snake in my chamber of secrets, thirdly he's quite a good lover and last but not least he'll make an excellent magical ally for the Fowl family."

'He needs to put his snake in my chamber of secrets.' Lord help me. "I'll just leave you two to it then."

"You misunderstand Butler. He literally needs to move the basilisk from Hogwarts to our basement so it's out of danger from Harry Potter."

"Oh."

Half an hour later Voldemort, Artemis, and Butler were leading Slytherin's stylish monster across the lawn of Fowl Manor. The basilisk was wearing sunglasses so she wouldn't kill anyone and also because Voldemort told her they looked snazzy. Butler felt a bit nervous being around the gigantic snake but he also couldn't help but admire her beautiful scales and powerful body. She'd make a great addition to his life as a companion for when Artemis was otherwise engaged.

Artemis led them around the main building and down to the larger secondary door to the basement. He opened it and said, "Voldemort and I have to do a certain ritual to make me a Horcrux, so could you stand outside here and make sure no one comes in?"

"What, with the basilisk? Just stand here?"

"Yep."

"But I can't talk to her!"

Voldemort rolled his eyes and tapped his wand on Butler's head. "Now you can."

"Alright Butler, you got this."

Butler groaned and said, "Okay."

Artemis reached up and playfully tapped butler's nose. "You're the best!"

OH.

Butler opened his mouth to warn Voldemort but decided against it. "Okay, see you later."

Artemis and Voldemort walked into the Fowl chamber of secrets with looks that Butler tried hard not to think about.

'Boys,' hissed the basilisk.

'I know right.'

Voldemort had figured out a way to make a horcrux without killing someone since his soul was already broken so many times. Artemis laid down on the floor and sighed as a piece of Voldemort's soul attached itself to him.

"That felt wonderful." Artemis stood up and wrapped his arms around Voldemort's neck and waited for a kiss. "Well, come on, kiss the boy! Shalalalalala!"

"That's it? No pain or panic or screaming? You're just cool with it?"

"Well, I think Artemis is somewhere in my brain screaming about how your soul is in eight pieces and eight divided by two is four, but I'm perfectly fine with it," said Orion.

"Who are you? Are you Tom?"

Orion blushed. "You flatter me, Voldy. No, I'm Orion, a sweeter and more docile and romantic version of Artemis that hangs out in his brain. It's cool when he lets his guard down or he gets a bit shock and accidentally lets me out."

"Hmmm." Voldemort smirked and eyed Orion up and down. "More docile, eh? Does that translate to more submissive?"

"It sure does!"

"Good. I think I need to demonstrate my displeasure at being referred to as 'Voldy'."

Artemis stared in horror at the scene unfolding in front of him and shrieked so loud he hoped Voldemort or Orion could hear, "YOU ARE SLEEPING ON THE COUCH TONIGHT!"

Artemis sank to his knees and stared to plot revenge when Tom Riddle showed up next to him in his little mental prison.

"Hey Arty. You're feeling pretty mad at Voldemort, right?"

"No shit."

"Well," Tom sat beside him and said, "I have a ton of really embarrassing stories to tell you about Voldemort, he'll be pissed when he finds out you know!"

"Like what?"

"I found the chamber of secrets totally on accident when I stumbled into the wrong bathroom and started swearing in parseltongue."

Artemis chuckled. "Go on."


End file.
